The Hillhouse

So, let’s say you’ve thrown out your back. And this time it’s really bad. You can hardly get out of bed, you can’t walk but instead must crawl across the room on all fours. You certainly can’t get in your car and drive. What do you do? Your kid can only eat nutella and toast so many times. At some point you’re going to have to feed him some real food. But you can’t. What do you do? I know – you call your doctor. Right?

Ok, you could do that. But see, your doc only sees you once a year for your annual pap, and what with her hundreds of other patients, she hardly even knows let alone remembers you. You think to yourself that you maybe should have left her your CD as a calling card last time. Might have helped you stand out. But you didn’t, and she doesn’t know who you are. Besides she’s completely booked up. And anyway, she can’t prescribe anything for you unless you come in. Plus it’s a half hour drive to her office. Aah! I can’t possibly do that! I can’t even imagine getting into the friggin car! But oh well. Can’t help ya, the nurse says in so many words. Then she tells me to take ibuprofen and try an ice pack. Ok. Thanks.

It occurs to me that if I could get into the car and make my way down the twisting hill road, I could visit the local emergency room. I don’t know the financial ramifications of that, and it makes me nervous. Don’t want to risk it (however, I’ve yet to file for bankruptcy and might be able to throw that bill in with the rest…?) so I think I’ll just see what the ice does. We’re not an ice-loving household, so I have none. I might have a pound of frozen raspberries…

This sucks. I’m trying to find the lesson here. Learn to delegate? Ask for help? Take on less? Argh. I don’t know. I give myself a couple of affirmations – I am supported, I have all I need – and while yes, I do trust in those things, it kinda seems irrelevant to me right now. I need to get Elihu’s tuition assistance form turned in for Waldorf. I need to get a hose down to the garden asap. I need to go food shopping. I need to pay a stupid parking ticket in person downtown – by today or else it goes up. But I can’t do any of it! I can’t even keep my kid company. Even creating this post and sending a couple of emails has become too much.

Maybe that’s it. I’m just doing too much. I don’t know. But hey – can’t we pretty much agree that if ‘Mama don’t do it it don’t get done’? Not much this mama can do for the moment. Guess I’ll throw in the towel and try and get myself back in bed with a pound of frozen fruit. What else can I do? Not much for now…