I’m holding on, doing what’s expected of me and trying my best to keep it together. Must admit, these past two weeks have been brutal for me. On the outside I’m sure it doesn’t seem as if much has changed. I’m trying to be as professional as I can about my obligations, but inside my mind is misbehaving. Panic is ever looming, and not a rational thought in the world can dissuade it from taking hold. I breathe, I try to distract myself, but I know the deal. There’s no talking to a panic attack. The only thing to do is either cease the activity that’s causing it, or, as I have recently discovered, medicate it.

A friend had suggested I try Xanax after my brief but uncomfortable experience on Sertraline. She assured me that it did not interfere with one’s ability to work, and it didn’t make one high either. Sounded good, but I’m usually a bit afraid of drugs, and I don’t have time to mess around with any more nasty outcomes. After doing a bit of Googling on the drug I arrived at the conclusion that it might well be my only option at present. I was given a gift of several small doses, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the most heaven-sent relief I have ever known in my thirty-plus year history with panic attacks. I can’t help but wonder how different things would have been if only I’d known before. My college years were hellish on account of panic… But my present no longer has to be. Finally I can look forward without the nauseating sense of dread that’s been with me that past several months.

I’m not quite there yet. I’m seeing my primary doc next week for my annual checkup, and hopefully she’ll agree to write me a script. I wrote her a letter today, explaining my situation in hopes that it’ll prep her before we meet. I have a few doses to help me ride out the coming week, but I don’t feel I’m out of the woods yet. I won’t be able to fully relax until my doc can agree to help. It won’t be a lasting situation; I just need some assistance getting through this chapter. Yoga and walking might help, so too might eating extra healthy, cutting out alcohol and caffeine, but they’re not doing the trick in and of themselves. It’s time to take more action still, because living on the edge of panic is exhausting, and these days I’m already tired enough.

2 thoughts on “Edge

  1. Hopefully, this will work out for you. I’m not comfortable with even the idea of taking drugs (prescription or otherwise, though an occasional aspirin seems to be OK, as long as it isn’t on an empty stomach), but if you’ve already tried that particular medicine you mentioned, and it does the trick, then you might as well try it for a while. Hopefully, things will work out fine with your doctor. Everyone’s body chemistry is just a little different, but I wouldn’t want to do completely without a bit of caffeine. There’s a lot to be said about that cup of coffee in the morning, and the other at noontime, but of course you should do what’s best for you. Whatever keeps you stable and steady is a pretty good thing.

    Here’s hoping that you will be all right, and that will be a good year after all. In spite of all, have a happy 2014.

  2. I’m a health coach who works with those that suffer from anxiety, depression and stress. If you think I may be able to help you, check out my website http://www.pacificnorthwesthealth.com. I’m based out of the U.S. but I can council anyone, anywhere. I’m also very affordable. I hope you find the answers you are looking for! Be well! http://happyhealthcoachblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/the-flying-trapeze-a-story-about-facing-fear-and-the-future/

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