3 a.m. Scare

“Even if the raccoon does get in, at least it’s not a death capsule.” Elihu considered the tiny 4″ wide gaps between the roof and the walls of our new and spacious coop. Yes, it seemed they’d still have room to evade a raccoon, even if it did manage to get in. Yet really, four inches?? Was that enough space for that fat raccoon to get in? I’d thought about cutting a bunch of 2x4s and wedging them in the slender gaps myself, but with so much going on it just wasn’t possible. So last night the flock slept without incident in the new coop. (They also slept in; I opened their tiny door at 7 a.m., but none moved off their roosts to come out for a few more hours. Our chickens keep a teenager’s sleep schedule.!)

Four inches of space is indeed enough room for a fat raccoon to enter the coop. Crap. About three ish this morning I heard a couple of squawks from the coop. Through my sleep I was up in an instant, ear cocked for more information. No time to guess. Lights on, shoes on, flashlight in hand and to the coop. I open the door (an easy thing to do what with actual human-scale doors on it, a real luxury after the last sad box of a coop!) and there is that damned animal, clambering up the wall – a straight vertical climb mind you – for her escape through that narrow slit under the eaves. Really? Seriously? You can friggin do that? How is that possible? Kinda like a bumble bee flying – doesn’t work out on paper, but it does in real life. Geez.

I do a quick assessment, and everyone’s accounted for and ok. No blood, just a couple extra guinea feathers lying about. The only solution is to move the flock, one at a time, into the garage. Dear Molly, our eldest hen runs out and towards the house. Good girl, she’s not stupid. In times of danger she high-tails it to the railing by the kitchen door. I pick up each and every one of our flock and move them to the garage before going after Molly. I have a quiet talk with her. She seems to get it; she makes no attempt to flee my arms, and soon she’s safely with the rest.

All is well, and Elihu didn’t even wake. He’s deep in sleep. I however, am not. I am exhausted, but even after a half hour of lying quietly, I’m no closer to drifting off. The Blue Skirt Waltz plays incessantly over and over in my head. Argh. What a silly song. Dammit. It plays as a looped backdrop to my mind, which is now picking up speed. The to-do lists start. It’s a couple over-the-counter sleeping pills for me I guess. A blog post perhaps? Why not. Give the pills some time to kick in. Check my email. Try to map out this incredibly packed week before me. Move harpsichord, tune harpsichord, proof ads, make many calls yet, rent champagne flutes, buy champagne, oh, then there’s a dentist appointment and some entertaining of kids to do with scheduled playdates, house sit for vacationing friends, teach lessons, figure out my trip to Chicago next week, negotiate my father’s final Baroque Festival while managing to stay present enough to enjoy myself and take away lovely memories.

And now I gotta fix this silly coop before I leave town! Man. I’d thought it was safely off my list, but no. So much to do. Ahh, but then it’s Bi Bim Bop at Mr. Lee’s Evanston Grill for breakfast. Heaven. Just gotta get to sleep first…

First Drawing Class at The Studio

Ceres Zabel, the hero behind the art classes at the Studio helps a student with her perspective.

Birds and art. Elihu is in heaven.

The whole class

Whitey, the only peaceful rooster we’d ever had. The day after he posed so quietly for the kids’ drawing class he disappeared. Went out in the morning with the flock never to return again. We’re glad he was immortalized on paper. And I’ll bet the kids won’t ever forget their drawing class that day.

Quickie Update

Much is going on these days. Too much, in fact, to write. Some may have noticed a long pause between posts…

We are having a coop professionally built for us. This is perhaps the single biggest quality of life upgrade we’ve experienced here in New York. The lumber arrived today and awaits the crew who will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. We can thank my father for making this amazing project possible.

Art classes are underway, a drawing class with ten students is going on as I write. In a few minutes Elihu and I are bringing our grand, white rooster to the Studio that he may pose as a model for the class. How fun is that?

Later today I’m meeting with a fellow from the Mohawk-Hudson Dowsers for a peek at the facility. We’ll be hosting their meeting in late August. The members will dowse for a suitable source of water to supply the new well being drilled soon. We already know the location that will work; we’re marking several dummy spots as potential candidates in addition to the proposed well drill spot, then letting the group learn the real one from the fake by dowsing for it themselves. How fun is that?

Ok. I have an eight year old boy standing in front of me with a rooster in his arms. Gotta run…

Working Summer

Woke up at a little after 4 this morning. Thought I’d get back to sleep. Probably should have, but the old mind started goin round and round with all that was before me. Dad’s final and 52nd Baroque festival is just three weeks away and I’ve done little meaningful promotion. Lists appear in my mind, so many things pop up that I’ve yet to deal with. Things that really should have been taken care of weeks ago. Sigh. Guess I’m up. I make a pot of coffee and begin to put away the dishes. Nearly every one in the house was dirty yesterday and I am supremely satisfied to have pulled it together and gotten them all done. Soon they will be away, the profile of the kitchen once again clean. If it weren’t, I’m not sure I’d be able to get down to business. (Anyone else? A cluttered house zaps me of my focus.)

I have so much to do, yet I can’t help but feel Elihu needs something to occupy him other than chasing the rooster around. We’ve enjoyed some full-on fun days lately, each jam-packed with lots of fun kid stuff, so I can’t worry too much about it. This is the time of summer in which the shit hits the fan with dad’s concert and there’s a lot of time needed at desk, phone and computer, and for a couple of weeks I just can’t be the super mommy I usually endeavor to be. I can hear my own mother’s voice in my head “Cryin out loud, you don’t need to entertain the kid all day long!” I know I don’t, but I always feel a little bad in that it’s just him. You know, the only child thing.

I think back to my own childhood in this very place. Long, hot, humid and buggy days just my brother and me. I guess we must have made our own fun – yet I do remember well that boredom was a pronounced part of summer. There were long stretches with nothing to do. (Because my dad was busy with the same festival I am now, and my mom was working.) And I think of my son. He’s got it better in some ways – chickens, trampoline, garden of his own creation, loads of art supplies and a huge desk – even the internet (yes, I let my son wander there alone for now. Pretty much all he does is search you tube for birding videos), yet I can’t help but feel a little bad about his solitude.

Last night, as we mapped out the weeks ahead, I apologized for the next few days in which I’d need to be in the office, but reminded him that the following week we were taking the bikes and going to the middle school parking lot and I was teaching him how to ride a bike. “Really?” he laughed. “I’m going to learn how to ride a bike?” Guess he didn’t think we’d ever get around to it. I will not allow him to grow up unable to ride a bike like his father. Riding a bike has been one of my life’s greatest pleasures. And while I can’t really see the point riding around here – as I’m more about riding to somewhere than just riding to ride (it takes miles of hilly terrain to reach any meaningful destination and when you get there you’re going to be drenched in sweat) – it is nonetheless something that will one day add to the overall quality of his life. I rode a great deal as a child – miles and miles through the cool woods, the open sunny fields. I’ve eaten a few bugs here in Greenfield coasting down hills, mouth open in the exhilaration of the descent. (I had a blue, 3 speed “Rollfast” model made by who knows. As a kid I was so proud of my aptly named bike.) Elihu hasn’t shown much interest in his bike lately, and of course he’s still on training wheels, but in that he’s got loads of energy and he’s utterly fascinated with achieving speeds like that of a bird, I think he will find a fast-moving bicycle a very happy reward. So that takes care of next week.

Today, it’ll just be the old-fashioned way for him. Like the summer days my mom wouldn’t let me watch Dark Shadows on our teeny black and white TV which only got three channels and then she sighed in exasperation and said we kids shouldn’t be inside on such a beautiful day because we should be outside playing and then virtually shoved us out the door. Like that. Kinda.

I can’t worry about my kid, I’ve got my own work to do right now. It’s going to be a beautiful summer day and he should be outside playing. What he does to enjoy the day is his job.

Gentleman Johnny

“Sir, you look pretty good for 289 years old”. Elihu had approached the redcoat General before he’d begun his historic presentation. There was some laughter from the small crowd which was starting to gather. The people stood to the side of a pillared stone structure which housed one of Saratoga’s many famous springs, known since the time of the Indians for their restorative and healthful properties. It was July third, and this historic, eastern town was ramping up for the fourth. Elihu and I had finished a historical novel just a few weeks prior, so General Burgoyne was still very much in our heads. This was a good opportunity to make the story truer, easier to really get.

“It’s nice the weather’s staying comfortable for you today, what with all that wool” I offered the general, waving my hand up and down to indicate his getup. But he was good. I hadn’t realized he’d really be in character, and that he was yet to do a whole presentation for us. I guess I’d thought it would be kinda like a Disney character parading silently around a party, nodding and posing for pictures with the kids. Nope. This was actually kinda cool. He was no cartoon character. This was an actor in costume with his historic game on. “Madam, this is my uniform no matter the time of year” he responded in a deep, measured voice with a sort of non-accent. Not British, not Amercian. Kinda stagey, big and bold. This guy was already going. No breaking character. Yeah. Nice way to start the holiday.

Elihu and I stood and listened to Mr. Bugoyne as he strutted back and forth, telling his side of the experience at the battle of Saratoga, in 1777. It was interesting. Told with humanistic details that made his experience more real, closer to our own way of being in the world. It lasted a bit long for a casual crowd; many left, and kids were sitting on the ground by the end, but we made it, and both enjoyed it quite well. The General opened the floor for questions, and Elihu raised his hand. “Yes, boy?” he asked. “I was wondering, did you have any kids?” The crowd chuckled. “Why yes I have in fact four children, and I’m glad you asked because the adults here present will be amused by the story”. He went on to tell that he’d had a daughter by his wife, who died young, and then in his later years – after 60 – he fathered three more children. Geez. Sounded a little too familiar. But it was in fact an amusing story, and afterward much of the crowd departed, chuckling. We nodded our thanks and left.

That was but one of so many small, delightful chapters in our day yesterday. And in just a few moments we’ll be setting out once again, to fully experience the Fourth of July in a historic, American town. The weather is just perfect, and we are ready to make some history of our own.

Coop Lesson

Elihu came home from his visit to his father’s. He had only been gone a week, yet time away from him had done what it always did; it showed me just how much he was growing. The reunions that follow a time apart are the only windows in which I can objectively see this in progress. Seems I was picking up a twelve year old. Instantly our moods were happy and the chatter completely skipped the experience of his flight and turned straight away to his chickens and garden. (He’s now flown alone so many times it seems no different to him than a long bus ride and it hardly warrants discussion.)

It was getting dark, but I judged we still had just enough time to get home and put the chickens in. I got a little lax though, and mentioned some lilies I’d seen on sale at the grocery store, knowing full well he’d beg to stop – and then I could get my secretly desired avocado. I knew I was pushing it, that we really should go straight home, but since it was indeed right on our way, we pulled in for a ten minute detour.

When Elihu saw the lilies he flipped. It was a happy surprise. The high-contrast markings on the petals really stood out to him. I’d hoped so. After our light-hearted romp through the store we packed our lilies safely in the back and headed for Greenfield.

When we pulled in the sky was still glowing, and although night had for all intents and purposes fallen, it was still a little early for predators. At least in my experience so far. I pulled in to illuminate the coop and run with my headlights to discover half the flock up on the netting above the run. Madeline was in the flower box on the coop. Some were safe inside, but there was a strange feeling in the air. I scanned for trouble and saw a mass of light feathers – from one of our three mottled hens – in the corner. Further investigation showed one hen missing. Crap. Our mature flock had been doing so well. Now it’s getting to the point where it might be a monetary loss for Eggs of Hope, not to mention just plain sad.

Elihu and I gently picked up the few hens that were on the ground, still panting from a skirmish. We spoke softly to them and placed them gently on their high perches in the coop. I had to cut the netting (must remember to sew it back up today) to get some of the birds free. Thankfully the dark makes them a little slower to respond, less feisty in their protests, and so I was able to grab them and pull them in fairly easily. We counted them again, and yes, we’d lost a hen. I thought a red, Elihu thought a mixtie (that’s what we call our mottled hens who are an organgie-red with white details – daughters of Buddah, the patient hen in the you tube video who sits and listens as Elihu sings 911 on the Dance Floor to her). Whichever, it didn’t matter. We had to make due, and make sure the remaining ones were safe. I shut them in, made extra careful to pull the netting over the door crack tight, also laid a folded baby gate over the front to prevent raccoons from digging underneath and getting in below the door. Looked good. Couldn’t see how a creature could possible get in. Felt unsettled, but had done all I knew to do. Or at least all I knew to do in that moment.

Another two hours of our evening passed making and eating dinner, watching vintage Pink Panther clips (the cartoon) while a bath ran, getting into bed, reading. We fell asleep together, yet after he was out I returned to my bed and began my night’s sleep in earnest. Deep in a dream, a cluster of screeches and squawks reached my ears and I was up – I had been so deeply asleep I felt drugged – but I stumbled for the switch to the outside lights (which the woman who built this house in 1970, also named Elizabeth, had had installed in the bedroom for her peace of mind) and began yelling at the top of my lungs to let the intruder know mama was mad and on her way.

I ran out, flipped on all the lights and saw a closed coop – which normally signals a sigh of relief, but this was as weird as a dream – with no visible signs of possible entry points, there was something in the coop and the hens were going nuts. I feared the worst and kept shouting in hopes of getting the predator to at least leave them alone and start panicking herself. It took so much damned time to undo everything I’d done up so tightly, but finally, door wide open, I saw nothing. Just the chickens on their perches, all buck-gawking loudly, some dazed on the floor, panting, but all mostly in their place. I grabbed the flashlight I have hanging there, scanned the box and found a raccoon – not even a big one, probably the very one who raids our bird feeders – and she was trying to claw at the wood walls in hopes of digging her way out. Concerned that an adrenaline-filled raccoon might conceivably fling herself at me, I picked up a milk crate and waved it at her. “Go! You gotta get OUT of here!” I yelled as I swung the crate at her. She walked behind the row of hens to the end of the perch and jumped down, running away through the garage. How the hell did she get in here? This event was much darker than all my previous attacks. Maybe it’s because the injured were left behind. In the past, they’ve simply been gone. And we assumed, eaten. This time was frighteningly different.

The hens left on the ground were behaving as if they were broken. They were puffed out, some unable to move at all, some tottered out into the run, wobbling, uttering a constant high whining sound. ‘Oh man. They must be hurting so much’ I thought. I was close to tears, but these days in my life it takes a lot to get me there. And crying wasn’t going to help the girls at all. Like a movie when the hero stands pausing to assess his circumstances, I said ‘just think, Elizabeth, think’ over and over. Maybe more to calm myself down than to think.

I could not leave them in a faulty coop. I thought of options.. “I’ll just bring you into the house” I declared, thinking of the pioneers, their hens cozy inside those one room cabins. I remembered past winters when I’d brought them all in, one by one, into our warm basement on the coldest nights of all. But the poops were everywhere by morning, and there had been fewer birds then. I had thirteen in total, and it was too big a production to contemplate. I just had to so something.

Elihu called from his window. It haunted me with that old familiar feeling in my gut. The ‘oh no, it’s my kid, he needs me and I gotta drop what I’m doing and fix something’ feeling. My son seems to have needed me more than other kids might need their moms, I don’t know, but it sure feels like it. Can’t even go a whole night without calling to me to make sure I’m nearby. Remembering the grown-up child I’d spent the evening with, I experienced a shift inside, and I yelled back to him. “I’m right here, honey. There’s been an attack in the coop and I need to make sure everything’s alright. I’ll be in the house soon. You’re ok. You’re eight, you’re not six. You don’t need me right now. I’ll be in soon”. Must have made sense to him, for he was quiet. That was a relief. Now to assess the hens.

A couple mixties were on the ground panting. One red hen was stumbling about, making a constant cooing sound. These poor girls. I set about to making little boxes for each of the four most hurt, lining them with fresh wood chips and making sure the boxes were off the ground, but not by more than a few inches in case they couldn’t use their wings at all, something I feared. Once I made the spots ready, I gingerly picked each hen up, feeling for any obvious injuries, then set them in their new beds. I examined my hands in the light for blood. No blood. Good, I guess. I made sure they had a bowl of water inside the coop, then I set to work securing the coop.

The electricity was back on in the garage, and I had my chop saw. I would fix it. Now, what needed fortifying? Where and how did that raccoon get in? Amazingly, she’d dug far enough under the front door and worked it long enough that she’d managed to finagle a small hole under the door by which to enter, only not big enough to escape through. Hookay. Gotta cover that gap. I went to a pile of 2x4s I’d honed from my searches for free lumber on Craigslist and pulled out a board. I looked around for a measuring tape. Nope. They were all inside, being used by a young birder to measure wingspans. Ok. I set the board under the saw, found what looked about the width of the door, and chopped it. When I took the board to the coop, I found that the cut must have been guided by angels, for the board not only fit nice and snug, but with a slight tap from my sledgehammer it was in for good, nice and strong, covering up the breach just perfectly. For good measure I decided I’d cut a second and stack it on top. I used twine to learn the length of this perfect board, but even after three chops it wasn’t magic. Finally I installed it and used a paint stirrer stick as a shim. Pounded it in and the new board tightened up. Ok. All I can do for now.

I closed the door once again. I took a bean pole from the garage and wedged it against the door to tighten the gap. Now understanding how little space a raccoon actually needed to pass through, I didn’t want to leave the small breach at the top of the door unaddressed. I wedged it good and tight. Then I head back to the house, leaving all the lights on.

Elihu was up. So was I. How do you get back to sleep after something like that? It had me thinking of things folks went through three hundred years ago when their flock meant their nourishment, their survival. Talk about adrenaline. I felt sick knowing that some of our gals were probably in great pain at the moment, but Elihu and I reminded ourselves that we’d done all we could. And so we said a prayer for them, sent them our love and healing energy, and then tried to sleep. It took awhile.

I’ve been up for a few hours now and should get my son up soon, as his schedule is getting more out of whack the later I let him sleep. I used the solo morning to tend to the injured birds. God bless the internet. And my intuition. Did what I could. The really maimed birds are two of our three mixties, who are now quarantined in what used to be the chick’s pen. Each has an eye puffed up and closed, and each is hardly moving. Yet I managed to get a few eyedropperfulls of home-made juice in them (pediatlyte, baby aspirin, antibiotic) and they each ate a little fortified mash. They’re in the shade just hanging on.

I better get going. I have a piano lesson to teach in a few minutes. That raccoon sure gave me a lesson last night. Hope I learned something.

Cream Rinse

About a year ago, maybe more, a thought flashed through my head as I stood in the shower, musing over the packaging of my conditioner bottle.  As I stared at the bottle in my hand, pondering the choice of fonts, color, language, a new thought just smacked into me, filling me instantly with a vague sense of sadness, longing, nostalgia… Whatever happened to ‘cream rinse’?

Hmm, as I looked back I couldn’t quite put my finger on when it might have disappeared from use… The mid 70s maybe? The end of the 70s, when the world was just beginning to morph into horizontal stripes and vertical hair? Strange, how did this happen? Whose decision was it to make this big, forward-striding change? Nowadays companies are constantly tweaking their silly labels, adding tag lines that offer just a teensy bit more value in this particular bottle, trying new container shapes and sizes… But back then, things were constant and unchanging. And I found comfort in that. The sound of a tin band-aid box opening, and the crisp, sterile plastic-y smell that rose from it was a calming precursor to the relief the strip itself provided. That familiar carboard box with the round metal lid that Nestle’s Quik came in. I haven’t bought it in years (my kid’s never been a chocolate milk type) but I’m gonna guess that little round lid is made of plastic these days. Oh yeah, and it’s not ‘Quik’ anymore. It’s ‘Nesquik’. Nuff said.

Amused but not much inspired to investigate my thoughts on all this, I had long ago laid the ideas to rest in my mind’s closet for future introspection, when just the other day I was broadsided by another powerful link to my past. (Also in the shower.) This time, however, my memory was triggered by a scent. The scent of my less-than-$2-a-bottle Suave shampoo. I had acquired it on a recent toiletry run to the local Family Dollar with my 83 year old dad. And thanks to the constantly changing mini campaigns of Suaves’ product and development team, this bottle of shampoo was now being offered in a ‘new’ scent; mint and rosemary. The plan worked; whether it was the appealing green of the bottle, the botanical images of the plants themselves or the assurance that the shampoo included 100% natural mint and rosemary, I bought their product. Although it wasn’t quite it – its scent reminded me of something. I paused to consider what it was, then it came to me. Yes. Clairol’s Herbal Essence. In that tall, clear, round-shouldered bottle with the dark green cap and the drawing of a young woman cloaked in a swirling design of her own hair. If I remember correctly, she had a finger outstretched on which sat a butterfly. Or a bird. The scent brought me back to camp. A cabin in the New Hampshire woods for two weeks each and every summer of my girlhood. The feeling of water stuck in your ear after swim class. The squeak of the hinges on the latrine doors. And the smell of freshly showered hair. Yup. Herbal Essence. The drawing of the girl on the label was what every 70s girl aspired to – natural, long, thick and flowing locks to compliment her groovy, natural appeal. And the scent was quite nice. Appropriate for the natural surroundings.

My mind wanders around a corner… Oh! Yes! I remember a bottle of lemon shampoo too… its top was an actual plastic lemon. I remember how accurate it was, dimples and all. (What a lot of plastic, ugh, wonder if it’s part of that floating island of plastic in the pacific right now.) What was it called? – there were bold, sans-serif letters running sideways up its length – LEMON-UP! Yes! Lemon up. Wow. Is there even a lemon-scented shampoo on the shelves these days? Man, so many choices – too  many – yet I can’t recall a lemon shampoo. Maybe I’ve passed over it because it’s more than $2 a bottle. Hmm. Isn’t lemon supposed to be good at stripping away oil and dirt? Maybe too good… hmm. Wonder if I can find a bottle on ebay…

So, cream rinse. I remember it changing at some time into ‘creme rinse’. May even have been an accent over that first e. Sexy upgrade. And I remember some commercial about ‘the clean-rinse creme rinse’. So when did ‘creme rinse’ become ‘conditioner’? Perhaps the harshness of the Aqua Net era left us hungry for a more nourishing way in which to treat our post-shampoo hair. I guess. It makes sense. Geez, my hairdos would sometimes extend a good 6 vertical inches above my head, if not more. I was playing in a bunch of bands at the time for which I needed huge hair and I can remember when I got into my boxy little Toyota Corolla and my hair touched the roof, I knew I was stylin. Lookin good. Done up right. Can you imagine? So. My hair saw a lot of abuse, which might have appeared less harmful if I were to apply something like ‘conditioner’ to it. I didn’t need more ‘stuff’ ie, ‘cream’, but rather a nurturing, restorative aid for my hair. Ok. I’ve made my own case for the transition to conditioner. I’m good. I can move on to other ruminations now. There’s so much to be nostalgic about and there are enough vintage shops to cover all that backward longing.

For now, I’m rinsed clean.

Creation, Correction

When I compose one of these entries it usually takes about an hour or two. Depending. First I write the body of the text in one sitting, getting down the gist of what’s on my mind. Then I take a break. I go have a glass of seltzer water, play the piano, collect eggs or do something non-computer related so that I can be better refreshed when I next sit down to pluck and prune. My second go-round is about editing, essentially. I admit, I’ve never given much thought to what and editor really does – it seems the job is implicit in it’s title – but I’ve always suspected there was a world of real-life processes involved that I could never imagine. Just how does one edit successfully? I, now a hobbyist in the field, have a vague idea. This is the more tedious part of my process. I guess the beauty of having someone else edit your work is that they see with outside eyes, the very sort of vision I’m trying to achieve by collecting eggs before I sit down to edit. I would welcome that; just last night I passed over a redundant “in” despite several read-throughs (and having hit the publish button) which another might have found right away. For me, the text had overpowered the extra preposition. I was a little too inside the story. After I’ve nipped and tucked, and read through a time or two more for last minute fixes, I push the publish button. And it feels good. Like when all the laundry is not only folded – but put away, too. A nice feeling of completion.

Last night I must have been too inside the story. I missed something that my night-wandering mind pointed out to me. I’d said that my father in law sleeps on a desk in a windowless office. True, for years he did, but I realized that he’s spent the last few years in a new hideaway. In an effort to portray things as honestly and accurately as possible, and inspired in part by my near ex’s nasty threats about removing names and untruths from my posts, I feel I must amend last night’s entry.

My father in law owns a beautiful but dilapidated nineteenth century building on Chicago’s near west side. Once the home of some unionesque, fraternal organization (my memory says Upholsterer’s Union, but I can’t be sure that’s true) among its many rooms and hallways it has a theater on the top level and a mysterious padded room which carries the legend of being the place where straying union members would be “convinced” to behave better. (Perhaps it was just a showroom for the handiwork and craftsmanship of the group’s members.?) It’s a big structure, and it was once filled to the ceilings with obsolete computers and laboratory equipment which my father in law had culled from the university’s throw away piles in the hopes of once more putting them to good use. One could call this hording, yet I do know that he managed to find a new life for some of the items. Just not all of them. With the help of his Mexican laborers, I understand he’s managed to tidy the place up a bit, moving things around to make hallways passable and rooms more spacious. Somewhere in this labyrinth he has an office. And somewhere in the vicinity of his office, he has his camp, his nook. For the past few years this is where he’s retired to in the evenings, after seeing his wife safely to her garden apartment miles to the north in the Lincoln Square neighborhood. I’m guessing he has more of an apartment-like setup here. There’s plenty of room, plenty of refrigeration, likely a kitchen, and certainly a bathroom. It seems that this is his primary residence these days. So that brings my story up to snuff. Now I can put it to rest knowing I’ve presented the truth to the best of my knowledge, and done so in as matter a fact a way as possible. Just trying to minimize potential fallout, ya know?

So now the correction is complete. And this is where I rest, unless the story just finished evokes another yet untold. If there’s more emerging, it’s off for another cup of coffee and a pass at the piano, then it’s back to creation once again.

Bad Apple

Apparently my near ex finds this blog an unhealthy mess. A forum for self-pity in which I exploit my child, as well as his other three.  Threatens to take legal action of some sort if I don’t retract certain things. Gotta say, that doesn’t feel great. But today I am rather done with being bullied. The self-righteous way in which he wields his power seems the unhealthy mess here.

I have had some revelations in my solitude. For nearly the past quarter century I’ve been too enmeshed in this person’s life to gain any meaningful perspective. Lately, it’s occurred to me (only lately?, some might wonder) that given the way in which my near ex was raised, his behavior is not entirely shocking. When our news became known to folks, quite a few felt the freedom to finally express their true feelings on the man. There is a consensus among these opinions; he is a talented motherfucker, a hard worker, and he can appear as sweet as you please – yet there’s a frighteningly chilly side to this worldly, successful musician that shows up real quick when you no longer serve his agenda.  Was he fired from his last band as he pleads in his divorce statements in order to show hardship, or did he quit in order to boldly strike out on his own, as he purports to the Chicago Tribune? Two stories, one narrator. He amends his story as needed. Yes, he’s a whole bunch of stuff, but he’s not stupid.

My near ex is an only child and has never wanted for much. He’s enjoyed the world on his own terms for all of his life. His parents have enjoyed the same. Immigrants of the 50s who came here to attend college, their story is at first romantic and inspiring. They created wealth and success in their new adoptive country. They had one child, and brought him up in a household of culture, learning, travel – and top-shelf dysfunction. I oughta know.

To this day his father sleeps on top of a desk in a windowless basement office in a cement-block building on the outskirts of the campus from which he is a retired professor. His amenities include a hotplate and a dorm-sized fridge. Don’t know how or where he performs his toilet. We always used to wonder. He virtually lives in his overcoat – something which has appeared endearing at times – yet it does smack of a certain cluelessness. However he lives or dresses, this man has certainly accomplished a lot in his life, and honestly, there’s no other person I know who has the magic touch as he does when it comes to acquiring permits or having bank fees waived. He’s got a certain thing – I will handily give him that. But that he owns property which might afford him a fine standard of living, yet he lives like a homeless stowaway – that I’ve never really understood. In the end it never really mattered. He was always there for his son – and til now, his daughter in law. He coached, offered advice – and he was never, ever without a solution. I can hear him now, in his soft Pakistani accent, “Elizabeth, one could simply just….” Every problem was met with a “one could simply just ____” Easy to say when you have several Mexican laborers living in your basement and ready to jump at any task for $7 an hour. Yeah, if I had that resource there are a lot of things I could “simply just”. !

Last year he and my mother in law came here to visit us in New York. He told me he had a “mystery” he needed to solve and that he needed to put on his “Sherlock Holmes hat”. He leaned in, as if to whisper to me, and said in an almost rhetorical tone “I cannot figure out why you would want to move here, to New York“. We had just ended an awkward, yet somewhat sweet visit with both of them and my parents (after all we’d all been family for twenty years in spite of the crazy events), and I thought it was rather evident why I was here, and especially so because my parents lived right next door to me. Regardless of how obvious it all seemed, I spelled it out for him. In retrospect, I wish I’d played the teacher card and turned it around: “I don’t know, why do you think I moved to New York?”. That I had to answer – that the question was even in his mind – proved that he was only able to see the world from his private epicenter. His son is much the same. In their eyes, I left Dekalb for selfish reasons. (If self-preservation equals selfish, well then, I agree.)

My mother in law is another character whose personal description might fill an entire post. She is well past 80 and continues to dye her hair a fire engine red using ‘congo red’, a laboratory stain she gets through her husband’s business. It saves her the cost of box color. Years ago she was diagnosed with a latent form of what doctors term “high-functioning schizophrenia”. When the stress in her life reaches a critical level, her symptoms begin to manifest. And I tell you, life has a dreamlike quality to it when you’re searching under the floorboards in her basement apartment bathroom (no, they don’t live together and haven’t in twenty years) for gobs of bills and gold stored in ziplock bags and must retrieve them for her silently, stealthily, so as not to be picked up on the cameras which were placed inside her home by the government.

I know a number of folks with schizophrenia, some whose lives have been horribly changed, some not so much. It’s nothing to joke about, yet it’s also not something to deny and avoid. And yet we all did, for two decades. We’d dance around her, her temper, her stress threshold, with her husband confiding in me every few years that this time he was serving her with divorce papers, but I was not to tell anyone. Time and time again he would end our talks: “Elizabeth, this conversation never happened.” I was jockeyed about between all three of them, keeping lies, disclosing what was advantageous for a currently needed solution – oh I was knee-deep in crap. I played the game right along with em. But it was how we all lived. There my husband was, adored and revered in public, but privately he was twisted up in a tangle of half-truths and intimate deception.

And I guess I didn’t do much to stop it. Sometimes I tried. When I did, I was told not to rock the boat. If we wanted their help. And with that big Evanston home, we needed help. So I admit, I found it easier to shut up and deal with it than to expose the dysfunction and point to the huge elephant sitting in our living room. What good would it have done? We had our home, and they were living as they chose. We each had our thing in place. They always had drama, and we always had to dance around it. It was a drag of a way to live, but it worked. They greased the wheel, so we kept on rolling…

I don’t want to deny my parents in law all the wonderful things they’ve given me. I’ve traveled the world with them, learned about other cultures from the inside, learned how to cook new kinds of food, learned things from the metaphysical to the mundane. I have truly learned a lot from them, and for this I give them my love and my gratitude. But no more will I give them my deference.

I had thought perhaps, in this new era of babies, families and moving on that it might be time to lay our cards down and reassess our old methods. Perhaps it was time for truth. This is in part why I began to write this blog – I was exhausted from keeping so much in and for so many years.  I recently wrote a letter to all three – mother, father, son, in which I did indeed point out the enormous and unrecognized guest in the room. I laid it all out. My near ex claims it has had the opposite affect of the one I intended. Well, maybe not. I’m kinda screwed here no matter what. I just meant to get shit out in the open so I could finally breathe free and clear. I guess I’d thought they would rally to my aid in some way given the blatant inequity of the situation, that my father in law would take up his “one could simply just” mantra, but no. He hasn’t even responded to my emails. That’s never happened before. Clearly, the sides are chosen, the era of my compliance has ended, and with it, my membership in the club.

It seems the apple has not fallen far from the tree.

Two Apart

My son is in Dekalb visiting his father this week. I’m getting a lot done. I’ve made good use of my time, and am finally getting to things I should have done months ago. Yet strangely, I find all the ideas I’ve had swimming around in my head keeping me awake for the past week are now suddenly absent. I can’t seem to write. And this is unusual. I know a writer should be able to write regardless of her surroundings, regardless of what’s going on in her life. But then again, I aint gettin paid, and there are no deadlines to meet.

It occurred to me that since Elihu left, so has my desire to write. Tonight, when he called, I expressed this to him. I told him that without him here, without his energy in the house it just felt different. I had no ideas. They just weren’t coming. I told him I thought it was because it helped to have him around. “Me too” he said quietly. “I just don’t feel like doing anything when I’m away from you.” That wasn’t entirely true, as he’s had a few nice outings since he’s been there, and I do know he’s having a good time. But his voice sounded tiny, so much softer than usual. He went on, “without you it’s like I’m just stuck inside this dark body and I can’t see.” I waited for him to explain. “No one really hears me when I’m stuck in the dark”. Dear boy. What can I say but to tell him again that I love him, that my heart is always with him?

Are we too dependent upon each other? I don’t know. But I do know that life is a bit different when we’re apart.