Well. Everything had settled nicely, in spite of Fareed’s having put ‘summer shit’ in the subject line of his emails. I understand his frustration. I do. But finally it seemed we’d hit upon a win-win. Elihu would remain in Saratoga for the 4th of July, and then he would spend a good, long vacation in Dekalb with Fareed later in the summer. Then, in looking more closely at Fareed’s open-ended, still-not- defined-by-exact-dates proposed visit, I realized that he might well be here with us on the 4th. While his visiting is always welcome, and we usually have a fine time (I make a nice dinner or two, we have a little family excursion, etc.) I knew that for some reason, Elihu had liked spending the holiday just me and him. So in the spirit of this full-disclosure, give-the-kid-his-voice sort of debate we’d entered into since last night, I thought it better to address it now than later. So I did. Guess I should have prefaced it with some explanation, because the response was anything but friendly. Really. And I was stopped. It’s stuff like this that has my heart racing whenever I see an email from Fareed. I hate this stuff. Man I do. Guess I need thicker skin.
I, of course, will not copy his email here, but suffice to say that his main points were these: 1) I am deeply selfish 2) Waldorf is selfish 3) I have lots of bad karma coming my way because of points 1 and 2. Man. Seriously?? I’m not good with this kind of crap. Plus he says it all in a facetious tone, which makes it even sicker to hear. Am I so selfish?? I honestly don’t think so. But he does, which has me wondering – what would he have me do to think otherwise? I know him pretty well, so I can guess… He’s told me before to get a job. Ok, a job between 8 and 1:30. Hmm. That I don’t have to work nights or weekends. No place will accept those terms, I know, I’ve applied to them all! Hmm, maybe I should think outside the box… I know! I can teach piano lessons! That way I can be home with my child, plus make some income! Obviously, that’s not good enough for him. Hey, if I weren’t a single, full-time mom, there are lots of things I might do. But for now, they’re not options. But tell that to Fareed. He will not hear it.
What else might I do to change Fareed’s seeing me as a selfish, mean bitch? Letting him stay with us on the 4th? I really don’t care that much if he does or not. If that’s all it takes to calm this fire, maybe I’ll just tell Elihu it ain’t worth making a fuss over. I think he’ll understand.
Fireworks, indeed. Blew up in my face, they did. Can’t wait for the 4th…
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Here is the response I sent to his nasty email. Sigh. Are my feelings clear?? Hope so.
Look, Elihu and I have our thing – and you and Elihu have yours. ! I’m not being mean – come on – give me a break!! You’re always welcome when you’re here – I always make sure to have good food and make you comfortable. Where is this coming from??? Elihu expects it will be the two of us here on the 4th – he’s talked about that before. I’ll talk with him again about it if you want – all you have to do is ask nicely!! Why this venom?? I’m just speaking up for our son! There’s no personal attack on you here, I assure you!
That you still can’t see the incredible opportunity and gift that Waldorf is (I do realize you’re not here to witness it) and continue to bring it up as if it were some horrible mistake or selfish move on my part (?!) – that itself shows inherent selfishness. I am Elihu’s advocate, so I had to get him into that school. Plus I also encourage his relationship with you. It blows my mind that you don’t appreciate either one of those things.
After all the heartbreak and shit you’ve put on me, that you can even get angry at me is evidence that you’re lost to reason. And I thought we were all three finding a happy balance. I was thrilled we’d finally found a happy solution for this summer. Had we not?? Damn. I couldn’t be more surprised by your venom.
Karma? I think I’m doing a good job of playing nice, building a good life for our son, and respecting your needs as a father. I look forward to my ‘karmic payback’ – because I’ll reap love and kindness. I know you will too, when you’re free of all this hate vision and can see that none of my actions are about anything but creating a good life for me and our son. My needs are modest, my requests of life are few. My objective is not to break anyone’s heart, but to see everyone feel respected and satisfied.
Can’t you please be nice? I’m trying my best, I hope you can do the same.
The Hillhouse 
Hey, a week ago this guy was putting you through hell because he was late with his support check, and not calling his son for weeks at a time. He’s an overgrown manchild, primadonna who only thinks of himself…and he whines like a baby if he doesn’t get his way. You’re doing the right thing for your son with Waldorf. Although it’s good for kids to have time and events with both parents in the same room (research supports it)..and always to be civil in front of them–I wouldn’t cook for him, though. Let him buy dinner. He’s traipsing around the world 24-7, but wants his cake iced when he’s available. MEH. Don’t coddle your ex. You’re doing the hard work of raising your son 24-7. He chose to split his person thinly across multiple families and around the world–his choices have consequences. You’re being more than accomodating, imho. This isn’t a guy who feels compelled to stay in the area, support you properly, or pull his weight (every other weekend at least). I wouldn’t concern myself with placating him in the least. Your karma sounds great to me…his sounds like a big comeuppance is awaiting him. I mean, I understand people break up and even have more than one family–it’s difficult. But this guy’s a rolling stone and a globetrotter–that’s not conducive to making demands in a “co-parenting” situation.
You have to understand that *most* divorced fathers are expected to see (and want to see–and do see (the ones I associate with)) all of their children at least a couple times a week and talk to them frequently. It’s good for Elihu to see his father, definitely, but I question how good of a role model he is…the only thing I hear him teaching Elihu is how to be a rolling stone, hurt the feelings of others, and expect no consequences in the wake of that. Time for a reality check. I’ve done and said stupid things to my ex, also…but overall this Fareed makes me look like a saint and father of the year, lol. (Don’t mean to make you feel bad about him. I just don’t want you to kick yourself for trying to make everything work–you’re doing a great job!)
thanks. I do appreciate all that. I just gotta keep on goin forward with what I got…